Questions to
Consider
Before Coming Out to Your Parents
from
PFLAG
- Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Don't raise the
issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you
sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and
decrease their confidence in your judgment.
- Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality? If you're
wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting
to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your
part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.
- Do you have support? In the event your parents' reaction
devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently
turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of
self-worth is critical.
- Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality? Your parents will
probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society.
If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist
them by sharing reliable information and research.
- What's the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice
of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing
with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss
of a job.
- Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal
with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The
process may last from six months to two years.
- What's your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is
because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never
come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.
- Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject
most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the
following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who
can deal fairly with the issue.
- Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you
suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of
the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold
over you.
- What is your general relationship with your parents? If
you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your
love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue
in a positive way.
- What is their moral societal view? If they tend to see
social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate
that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however,
they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing
societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this
through with you.
- Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to their
parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by
doing so -- no matter what their response.
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