GSA Saves the Day

by Maayan Simon

It was a day like any other, except that it was very different. Summer vacation was just weeks away, and G-d, being overwhelmed by the bombardment of prayers by students at risk of not passing all their classes, was taking a sabbatical in Palm Springs for some much needed R&R.

Unfortunately, the placement agency that G-d had called to find a stand-in during s/he's little adventure must have experience some interference on the line, because the substitute was up too late partying the night before. He had downed too many wine coolers and by the time the Virgin Mary had found him passed out on G-d's cloud, it was too late.

Everyone on earth was already in shambles, running around in search of their "misplaced" [as the paper put it the next day] gender identities and sexual orientations. It was Thursday [gay day] of course; as everyone knows G-d is a black, atheist, transsexual. [Which also explains why Virgin Mary is, indeed, a virgin.]

It just so happens that the United Sexualities Club, Santa Rosa High School's gay straight alliance [GSA], was right smack in the middle of their weekly lunch time meeting when everyone discovered that they did not know where they fell on the sexuality spectrum. No one in the club realized the commotion outside room 16, Annie's classroom, because they were all contented, comfortable, and confident as non-heterosexual individuals and allies.

Suddenly, hoards of SRHS students flooded into the meeting. Everyone was there, from freshmen to seniors, teachers to school supervisors and administrators. It was mass chaos! Jim was repeating "focus, focus," and someone else was yelling "Who you see here, stays here!" over and over again. The door was blocked, but that didn't stop anyone! They began climbing in the windows, standing on desks, and knocking over books. "My room! Stop that! My room!" Annie chimed in. Ms. Evans [walking in late] didn't know what was going on when she finally lodged the door open.

Seeing her frightened face, all of the GSA members, pushing and shoving, finally found their way outside to explain what was going on. "What are we going to do?!" they all wondered, seeing the masses of distraught people following them outside in demand of answers. Just then, G-d, looking a bit disgruntled having been pulled away from sunning by the pool, sauntered over towards them. Suddenly, the facilitators were struck with some divine inspiration. "We've been saved!!" they crooned, but G-d was no longer anywhere to be seen.

After much "shh-ing" and yelling, they managed to form a huge check-in circle around the whole campus. Eventually, they calmed everyone down enough that they began to explore their individual sexualities and by the time they finished, everyone could recite the GLBTIQQ's backwards and forwards. The following day, after everything had been "straightened" out, everyone at SRHS had a newfound appreciation for tolerating all sexual-gender identities.

The next week so many people came to the GSA meeting that it turned into a rally on the senior steps. With everyone having a newfound appreciation for sexuality as a nonlinear existence, ASB held a contest to see how many triangle pancackes they could make, and they all lived happily ever after. [Excepty Maayan, who was bitter that they didn't just make the damn round kind!]

The End

Back to main IMAGES page

Next F