Bisexuality
by Delaine Due

A few years ago I introduced myself to panel audiences as a celibate bisexual woman. I got lots of questions. How could I possibly be bisexual and celibate? One young person asked if bisexual meant that when I went on a date I had to have a boy and a girl with me at the same time. This is, of course, up to the individual(s) involved in the date.

My personal experience is that bisexuality is a true sexuality and really only one of the hundreds of sexualities that exist in the world. Sexuality is definitely a continuum Bisexual is the label that I choose for my sexuality because it is the one I feel most closely defines or describes my sexuality. Now on a panel I say that I  am a "queer identified bisexual woman and I am married to a man." Confused yet? Part of the point is that a person's sexuality only defines their sexuality. It may influence, but does not dictate a person's relationships, sexual habits, sexual preferences, partner(s) or who and how many people are involved in a date. Be careful with any label. There are exceptions to every rule you have decided is true and every rule you have decided is false. The following are some myths about bisexuality, and some terms which may be helpful in sorting through this awesome puzzle called my sexuality.

Myth: Bisexuals are promiscuous/swingers.
Truth: Bisexual people have a range of sexual behaviors. Some have multiple partners; some have one partner; some go through partnerless periods. Promiscuity is not more prevalent in the bisexual population than in other groups of people.
Personally: My father left my mother for another woman, and he is definitely straight.

Myth: Bisexuals are equally attracted to both sexes.
Truth: Bisexuals tend to favor either the same or the opposite sex, while recognizing their attraction to both genders.
Personally: I'm attracted to the person first and consider the sex of the person second. When I'm people-watching (which is based on physical attraction), I am much more drawn to women than men. To have a relationship with someone, I need a balance of energy no matter what gender the person is...not too girly and not too gruff.

Myth: Bisexual means having concurrent lovers of both genders.
Truth: Bisexual simply means the potential for involvement with either gender. This may mean sexually, emotionally, in reality, or in fantasy. Some bisexual people may have concurrent lovers; others may relate to different genders at various time periods. Most bisexuals do not need to see both genders in order to feel fulfilled.

Myth: Bisexuals cannot be monogamous.
Truth: Bisexuality is a sexual orientation. It is independent of a lifestyle of monogamy or nonmonogamy. Bisexuals are as capable as anyone of making a long-term monogamous commitment to a partner they love. Bisexuals live a variety of lifestyles, as do gays and heterosexuals.

Myth: Bisexuals are denying their lesbianism or gayness.
Truth: Bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation which incorporates gayness. Most bisexuals consider themselves part of the generic term "gay." Many are quite active in the gay community, both socially and politically. Some of us use terms such as "bisexual lesbian" to increase our visibility on both issues.

Myth: Bisexuals are in "transition"
Truth: Some people go through a transitional period of bisexuality on their way to adopting a lesbian/gay or heterosexual identity. For many others, bisexuality remains a long-term orientation. Indeed, we are finding that homosexuality may be a transitional phase in the coming-out process for bisexual people.

Myth: Bisexuals spread AIDS to the lesbian and heterosexual communities.
Truth: This myth legitimizes discrimination against bisexuals. The label "bisexual" simply refers to sexual orientation. It says nothing about sexual behavior. AIDS occurs in people of all sexual orientations. AIDS is contracted through unsafe sexual practices, shared needles, and contaminated blood transfusions. Sexual orientation does not "cause" AIDS.

Myth: Bisexuals are confused about their sexuality.
Truth: It is natural for both bisexuals and gays to go through a period of confusion in the coming-out process. When you are an oppressed people and are constantly told that you don't exist, confusion is an appropriate reaction until you come out to yourself and find a supportive environment.

Myth: Bisexuals can hide in the heterosexual community when the going gets tough.
Truth: To "pass" for straight and deny your bisexuality is just as painful and damaging for a bisexual as it is for a gay. Bisexuals are not heterosexual and we do not identify as heterosexual.
Personally: Heterosexual privilege--yes, I have it. I can certainly pass when I am with my husband. I also have white privilege. I am also aware of my privilege and know that with the privilege comes responsibility. Always being aware of my privilege makes me always aware of my queerness (and my whiteness). There is also a prejudice within the gay community toward bisexual people and bisexuality. So there may be privilege, but there is also prejudice from every side sometimes. I have experienced rejection and question from both the straight and gay communities.

Myth: Bisexuals are not gay.
Truth: We are part of the generic definition of gay (see Don Clark's Loving Someone Gay). Nongays lump us all together. Bisexuals have lost their jobs and suffer the same legal discrimination as other gays.

Myth: Bisexual women will dump you for a man (or vice versa).
Truth: Women who are uncomfortable or confused about their same sex attraction may use the bisexual label. True bisexuals acknowledge both their same-sex and opposite-sex attraction. Both bisexuals and gays are capable of going back into the closet. People who are unable to make commitments may use a person of either gender to leave a relationship.

Commonly Asked at Panels

Doesn't being married to a man make you straight now?
No. In fact, being married to a straight man adds an aspect of cross-culturalism to our relationship. There has to be room for my queerness in our relationship just as there must be room for his straightness. This means both are acknowledged and supported because our sexualities are a part of who we are. Getting married did not erase all of who I was before the ceremony.
I'm still white.
I'm still a woman.
I'm still an artist.
I'm still in school.
I still enjoy chocolate, peanut butter milkshakes, walking the dog and driving my motorcycle.  And, I'm still bisexual. The only thing getting married really changed is that I'm not still legally single. I got married because I wanted to make a mutual and public commitment on a very deep level with my partner, not to change or neglect my sexuality. Perhaps sexuality is a dynamic, ever-evolving aspect of human life, but it doesn't change drastically overnight.

What does "queer identified" mean?
It means I'm a dyke. It means I exist in the world looking through queer glasses. I'm ultra-sensitive to heterosexism and to homophobia. It means I understand my life experience as more about what it is like to be queer than what it is to be straight. It's a way of stating that I am active in my queer community. It is also probably the reason most of the people I hang out with are part of the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. Maybe it means I get all of the jokes in movies about gay people where my straight spouse doesn't.

References
Forman, S. (1989). "Myths/Realities of Bisexuality." Los Angeles: Sumpter, p. 12-13, found in
Hutchins, L. And Kaahumanu, L. (1991). Bi any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out. Boston: Alyson.

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